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I Just Want to be Loved: Autistic People’s Experience of Relationships
Autistic peoples’ sexuality and functioning in intimate romantic relationships has often been characterised by discourses of asexuality, deficits, need for sexual education, and reifying the purported difference in sexuality (Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, 2013). Although autistic people have difficulties with typical expressions of social-emotional reciprocity, it should not be assumed that they don’t have the same need for belonging, social connection and desire for intimate romantic relationships as neurotypical people, or that they have different, but reasonable needs for these qualities.
Objectives:
The current study is situated within the broader literature of sexual education, while aiming to prioritise the voices of autistic people in sharing their perspectives and experiences of sexuality and intimate romantic relationships. The study is qualitative and exploratory, posing no initial hypotheses. The interpersonal process model of intimacy (IPMI; Reis & Patrick, 1996; Reis & Shaver, 1988) was used to frame research questions, and both autistic and neurotypical individuals were recruited to observe differences and consistencies in experience.
Methods:
Twenty-eight autistic adults and 22 neurotypical adults completed an online qualitative survey. Thematic analysis was employed to identify themes within the data (Braun & Clarke, 2006). The researchers employed a descriptive phenomenological approach within the analysis, focusing on what was explicitly said by participants, prioritising meaning and experience.
Results:
Autistic people described intimacy with romantic partners as a process of mutual support, sharing and the ability to be vulnerable. In terms of maintaining relationships, key themes identified related to emotion regulation and open, direct communication in talking through problems with a partner. Physical intimacy was perceived as an expression of emotional intimacy and important maintaining factor in closeness, however notions of its meaning were variable. Barriers in initiating and maintaining romantic relationships included difficulty expressing needs or emotions, reading and projecting subtle signals (flirting and differentiating between friends and love interests), and feelings of mistrust and negative self-perception.
Likewise, neurotypical people emphasized the importance of open communication and sharing within intimacy. Neurotypical people emphasized the importance of physical intimacy more strongly and maintaining factors in relationships involved learning from the past, intuiting partners’ needs, maintaining independence and spending time with friends and others to support oneself through challenges. Both groups demonstrated an understanding of trust as a process that develops over time through an individual’s demonstration of character.
Conclusions:
Although autistic people have difficulty with typical expressions of social-emotional communication, the current study demonstrated that mutual support, physical intimacy and open communication are considered important factors in maintaining intimate romantic relationships by most people. Subtle aspects of intimacy, such as interpreting flirting and signs of interest may be a focus for future sexual education for autistic people interested in finding partners.